Am I out?
After reading through my entries and looking at myself now, I say "Yes."
The difference is simply how I look at the world. I see a problem. I might get pissed. I might get scared. I might get sad. I allow myself that, for a bit. I feel what I need to feel then I remember, "I got this." That faith in God that great religions are always talking about, my God is me. I am the creator. I'm out of my rut because I have faith in myself..... Finally.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
What I've been doing over the last 3 months.....
I haven’t been writing much lately and just wanted to summarize my progress since January. It’s kind of important that I do this because as I’ve mentioned before, we all make little decisions in our lives, one after another. The results of all those little decisions build up and create the quality of life we all live. Nothing happens over night, although the results seem to come out of nowhere. If you’re like Jill Scott, livin’ you life like it’s golden, then it was a result of all the little decisions you made. On the other hand, if you’re like me, you made decisions in your life that created a standard of living you’re not quite comfortable with. If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you’ve seen me make decisions and then fall back into my old pattern again and again. None of those decisions were monumental by any means but the old patterns kept coming back. I, however, really wanted to make this work, so I just kept trying to make those little changes stick.
Before I go on, I wanted to go over what I’ve found to be instrumental to my ability to keep making and re-making those little adjustments to my lifestyle even after multiple attempts.
1. I really believe that I absolutely, positively must change. Although I knew that even if I didn’t change I could still get by, I was 100% absolutely sure that I wanted more out of my life and I wanted to build a life more suited to what I truly deserve. Until a person gets to the point of “I just can’t live like this anymore” and actually feels this in the gut, in his/her core, excuses get made. “I can’t afford a shrink,” “I don’t have the time to exercise,” “What harm can a 1200 calorie fast food sandwich or frappuccino do?” You have to hit your threshold. You have to get to the point of no return. You have to make the consequences real in your mind and your gut. It really takes some soul searching to make those consequences real.
2. I forgave myself for my shortcomings. In my case I even separated myself from my shortcomings having realized that the ADD/ADHD that I’ve dealt with my whole life was far more invasive than I gave it credit for. It affected my decision making on a level I never realized. Furthermore, I’m more patient with myself. I’m kinder to myself. I’m not harsh to myself anymore. I don’t know about you, but have you ever had one of those times when you take the palm of you hand and smack your forehead exclaiming, “STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!!!?” Well, I have. The thing is, I’m pretty sure that 9 of 10 people who have experienced that little private moment would NEVER walk up on another person smack them on the forehead and scream “STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!!!” no matter how stupid their action was. Instead we’d probably say to that poor person, “That OK, it could’ve happened to anybody.” If you’d never treat someone else like that why would you treat yourself like that:
3. I started being thankful for the things I do have. When a person is thankful for what he/she has, that person is naturally a positive person. (check out my last entry for more on this one.
So…. As far as tangible progress/changes in my life:
• I’ve lost 7 lbs
• I’ve identified a sleep/snoring problem that was keeping me from the rest I need to feel replenished and energetic the next day and have since: bought and am using one of those mouth pieces that prevent snoring; started using melatonin regularly before I get to bed; acquired a higher quality mattress. The results of these efforts are the best night’s sleep I’ve had in years. The urge to hit the snooze has disappeared!!! I got up this morning at 6:30 rarin’ to go!!!
• I’ve started jogging regularly and have registered for two back to back 5k runs. One at Liberty State Park on a Saturday and one in the Lincoln Tunnel on Sunday.
• I’ve changed my relationship with food. I used to “live to eat.” I didn’t care what I put in my mouth. (hey, ease up pervs!, I know not all of you are pervs ) Now I cook for myself more often controlling the quality of food and calories I take in. Don’t get me wrong. I will have a burger or huge steak now and again, I just don’t consider them staples anymore. I eat far more vegetables than I ever have in the past and I avoid processed flour and sugars as well.
• I’ve taken steps to better my time management skills as well. I’m putting my smart-phone to good use by using a calendar app that syncs with a cloud calendar so I can make appointments easily. I’m using a note making app as well so I can make shopping lists and notes on things I want to remember.
• I meditate/chant up to 45 minutes a day which eases my stress level, keeps me focused on the things I want for myself and further helps me to sleep.
• I’m taking medication for my ADHD symptoms. My concentration and focus have increased significantly enabling me to read more efficiently and concentrate on tasks for far greater amounts of time. My mood is more stable, I’m less prone to emotional ups and downs. (might also be attributed to less refined sugar in my diet.
• The last thing I want to put down here I actually have done yet is setting down written goals for myself. This is just a must for anyone who truly wants to better themselves in significant ways.
Before I go on, I wanted to go over what I’ve found to be instrumental to my ability to keep making and re-making those little adjustments to my lifestyle even after multiple attempts.
1. I really believe that I absolutely, positively must change. Although I knew that even if I didn’t change I could still get by, I was 100% absolutely sure that I wanted more out of my life and I wanted to build a life more suited to what I truly deserve. Until a person gets to the point of “I just can’t live like this anymore” and actually feels this in the gut, in his/her core, excuses get made. “I can’t afford a shrink,” “I don’t have the time to exercise,” “What harm can a 1200 calorie fast food sandwich or frappuccino do?” You have to hit your threshold. You have to get to the point of no return. You have to make the consequences real in your mind and your gut. It really takes some soul searching to make those consequences real.
2. I forgave myself for my shortcomings. In my case I even separated myself from my shortcomings having realized that the ADD/ADHD that I’ve dealt with my whole life was far more invasive than I gave it credit for. It affected my decision making on a level I never realized. Furthermore, I’m more patient with myself. I’m kinder to myself. I’m not harsh to myself anymore. I don’t know about you, but have you ever had one of those times when you take the palm of you hand and smack your forehead exclaiming, “STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!!!?” Well, I have. The thing is, I’m pretty sure that 9 of 10 people who have experienced that little private moment would NEVER walk up on another person smack them on the forehead and scream “STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!!!” no matter how stupid their action was. Instead we’d probably say to that poor person, “That OK, it could’ve happened to anybody.” If you’d never treat someone else like that why would you treat yourself like that:
3. I started being thankful for the things I do have. When a person is thankful for what he/she has, that person is naturally a positive person. (check out my last entry for more on this one.
So…. As far as tangible progress/changes in my life:
• I’ve lost 7 lbs
• I’ve identified a sleep/snoring problem that was keeping me from the rest I need to feel replenished and energetic the next day and have since: bought and am using one of those mouth pieces that prevent snoring; started using melatonin regularly before I get to bed; acquired a higher quality mattress. The results of these efforts are the best night’s sleep I’ve had in years. The urge to hit the snooze has disappeared!!! I got up this morning at 6:30 rarin’ to go!!!
• I’ve started jogging regularly and have registered for two back to back 5k runs. One at Liberty State Park on a Saturday and one in the Lincoln Tunnel on Sunday.
• I’ve changed my relationship with food. I used to “live to eat.” I didn’t care what I put in my mouth. (hey, ease up pervs!, I know not all of you are pervs ) Now I cook for myself more often controlling the quality of food and calories I take in. Don’t get me wrong. I will have a burger or huge steak now and again, I just don’t consider them staples anymore. I eat far more vegetables than I ever have in the past and I avoid processed flour and sugars as well.
• I’ve taken steps to better my time management skills as well. I’m putting my smart-phone to good use by using a calendar app that syncs with a cloud calendar so I can make appointments easily. I’m using a note making app as well so I can make shopping lists and notes on things I want to remember.
• I meditate/chant up to 45 minutes a day which eases my stress level, keeps me focused on the things I want for myself and further helps me to sleep.
• I’m taking medication for my ADHD symptoms. My concentration and focus have increased significantly enabling me to read more efficiently and concentrate on tasks for far greater amounts of time. My mood is more stable, I’m less prone to emotional ups and downs. (might also be attributed to less refined sugar in my diet.
• The last thing I want to put down here I actually have done yet is setting down written goals for myself. This is just a must for anyone who truly wants to better themselves in significant ways.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
I'm Thankful...... Being thankful really is the key.
It's been a few months now since I've written. I didn't want to keep posting the same ol' thing over and over again as I have in the past. That's the thing about ruts though, huh. Sometimes it feels like ramming your head on a brick wall over and over again.
The past few months have been different though. The way I look at life is different. Almost as if by some form of magic, I feel as if my luck has changed. What it all really comes down to is I started being thankful for everything I have.
You know, it's funny. I've heard this concept in various forms all my life, but for whatever reason, the magnitude of it's importance has always alluded me. Let me just tell you that it is monumental! Being thankful for what you have simply helps focus on the positive. Being thankful equals being positive.
BEING THANKFUL = BEING POSITIVE
We all heard the clichés about positive thinking, like Stuar Smally saying, "I'm good enough and I smart enough and dog gone it, people like me!" Sure! Say it a million times! If your outlook on life comes from a place of self loathing or self pity, good luck to ya!
I'm sure you've heard the studies of how it's found that so called third world countries have higher rates of "happiness" than so called first world countries. It's simple. They're happy to be able to get up in the morning. Actually this reminds me of this comedian, Louis CK. A friend of mine on FB posted a YouTube clip of this guy. (Thanks L.M.!) Here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8r1CZTLk-Gk&sns=fb Go watch it and come back if you want.
Every morning now, I meditate and I review everything that I'm thankful for. One thing that I've noticed is that eventually, I even started to be thankful for events in my life that the time of their occurrence, I shook my fists in the air, dropped to my knees in the pouring rain, and screamed "WHY?!!!" (well... not really but you know what I mean) I started to really see just how one thing ending started something new. Something better.
I know it can be hard to be thankful when all you want to do is feel sorry for yourself. And you know what; everybody is entitled to a good feeling-sorry-for-myself episode now and again. It's human. But when its time to get back on the horse and climb out of that rut, the first thing a person will need to do is re-adjust his/her attitude. We do that by counting our blessings.
“Counting our blessings,” yet another cliché. Fine then, take it a step further. Imagine life without all the people that ever meant anything to you; Life without the support of that best friend; Life without the love of the people who raised you. Life without the wisdom you've attained from the mistakes that you've made; Life without your favorite song or book or mentor or favorite experience. Imagine life without all the little joys.
Listen. It’s easy to take things for granted. We live in a capitalistic, consumerist society that teaches us to want what we don’t have and forsake what we do have. It’s no wonder the US lost it’s edge. (that’s a whole other blog!) If we continue to take things for granted and continue to see our gifts indifferently, we will simply let assets go utilized until those gifts are made useless through neglect or even worse, assets just pick up and leave to go where they are better utilized. In other words: you couldn’t see what you had, so you couldn’t use it before you lost it.
One last thing. Taking the time to be thankful helps you keep you keep your priorities in check. It will help you make decisions that are in line with who you really are. If you are thankful for your health, then you might make better decisions when it comes to diet and exercise. If you’re thankful for that roof over your head, you might think twice about going on a shopping spree that might jeopardize your rent or mortgage payment. Get it?
Anyways… I’m too tired to think of a nice closing statement, but thank you all for reading.
The past few months have been different though. The way I look at life is different. Almost as if by some form of magic, I feel as if my luck has changed. What it all really comes down to is I started being thankful for everything I have.
You know, it's funny. I've heard this concept in various forms all my life, but for whatever reason, the magnitude of it's importance has always alluded me. Let me just tell you that it is monumental! Being thankful for what you have simply helps focus on the positive. Being thankful equals being positive.
BEING THANKFUL = BEING POSITIVE
We all heard the clichés about positive thinking, like Stuar Smally saying, "I'm good enough and I smart enough and dog gone it, people like me!" Sure! Say it a million times! If your outlook on life comes from a place of self loathing or self pity, good luck to ya!
I'm sure you've heard the studies of how it's found that so called third world countries have higher rates of "happiness" than so called first world countries. It's simple. They're happy to be able to get up in the morning. Actually this reminds me of this comedian, Louis CK. A friend of mine on FB posted a YouTube clip of this guy. (Thanks L.M.!) Here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8r1CZTLk-Gk&sns=fb Go watch it and come back if you want.
Every morning now, I meditate and I review everything that I'm thankful for. One thing that I've noticed is that eventually, I even started to be thankful for events in my life that the time of their occurrence, I shook my fists in the air, dropped to my knees in the pouring rain, and screamed "WHY?!!!" (well... not really but you know what I mean) I started to really see just how one thing ending started something new. Something better.
I know it can be hard to be thankful when all you want to do is feel sorry for yourself. And you know what; everybody is entitled to a good feeling-sorry-for-myself episode now and again. It's human. But when its time to get back on the horse and climb out of that rut, the first thing a person will need to do is re-adjust his/her attitude. We do that by counting our blessings.
“Counting our blessings,” yet another cliché. Fine then, take it a step further. Imagine life without all the people that ever meant anything to you; Life without the support of that best friend; Life without the love of the people who raised you. Life without the wisdom you've attained from the mistakes that you've made; Life without your favorite song or book or mentor or favorite experience. Imagine life without all the little joys.
Listen. It’s easy to take things for granted. We live in a capitalistic, consumerist society that teaches us to want what we don’t have and forsake what we do have. It’s no wonder the US lost it’s edge. (that’s a whole other blog!) If we continue to take things for granted and continue to see our gifts indifferently, we will simply let assets go utilized until those gifts are made useless through neglect or even worse, assets just pick up and leave to go where they are better utilized. In other words: you couldn’t see what you had, so you couldn’t use it before you lost it.
One last thing. Taking the time to be thankful helps you keep you keep your priorities in check. It will help you make decisions that are in line with who you really are. If you are thankful for your health, then you might make better decisions when it comes to diet and exercise. If you’re thankful for that roof over your head, you might think twice about going on a shopping spree that might jeopardize your rent or mortgage payment. Get it?
Anyways… I’m too tired to think of a nice closing statement, but thank you all for reading.
Friday, January 7, 2011
There are no dishes in my sink. That and other stuff pointing me in the right direction.
1/7/2011 3:22 PM
Happy New Year everybody.
I’m gonna share something that I went over with my therapist. It’s just a list of things that I did last year that were a calculated step towards building the life that I know I deserve:
1. I started this blog. Though I’ve been keeping journals for years now I wanted to share this journey. Sometimes it seems that I’m the only one going through what I’m going through, but I know that everyone out there has their moments of self doubt and moments of stagnation. I just wanted people to know that even the “baby steps” can be hard to take.
2. I enrolled in school again, taking classes towards a MA in counseling. I got an A- in both my classes! How’s that for a step in the right direction.
3. I’m currently in counseling myself; having noticed that I wasn’t making progress on my own, I took advantage of the free counseling provided for me by my college.
4. I started my road to really dealing with my ADD by going to Christ Hospital and getting an appointment to see a psychiatrist so I can get medication that will help me with my concentration and other symptoms that have made life for me less than perfect.
5. I’ve found a spiritual outlet. I have started practicing Buddhism. The practice helps me focus on the positive in my life and helps me see all the opportunities life has to offer as well as all the blessings I’ve already been given.
6. Most of all, last year, I’ve given myself a little forgiveness. (Truth is that this step came in the beginning of this year.) I’ve given myself permission to live life at my own pace instead of measuring myself against the outside world.
With theses steps that I’ve taken over the past year, I truly and sincerely feel a peace that comes from not fearing the future. I can start designing my life as apposed to just getting tossed about like the SS Minnow in Gilligan’s Island.
I guess…. In a word, I found “Hope.”
Happy New Year everybody.
I’m gonna share something that I went over with my therapist. It’s just a list of things that I did last year that were a calculated step towards building the life that I know I deserve:
1. I started this blog. Though I’ve been keeping journals for years now I wanted to share this journey. Sometimes it seems that I’m the only one going through what I’m going through, but I know that everyone out there has their moments of self doubt and moments of stagnation. I just wanted people to know that even the “baby steps” can be hard to take.
2. I enrolled in school again, taking classes towards a MA in counseling. I got an A- in both my classes! How’s that for a step in the right direction.
3. I’m currently in counseling myself; having noticed that I wasn’t making progress on my own, I took advantage of the free counseling provided for me by my college.
4. I started my road to really dealing with my ADD by going to Christ Hospital and getting an appointment to see a psychiatrist so I can get medication that will help me with my concentration and other symptoms that have made life for me less than perfect.
5. I’ve found a spiritual outlet. I have started practicing Buddhism. The practice helps me focus on the positive in my life and helps me see all the opportunities life has to offer as well as all the blessings I’ve already been given.
6. Most of all, last year, I’ve given myself a little forgiveness. (Truth is that this step came in the beginning of this year.) I’ve given myself permission to live life at my own pace instead of measuring myself against the outside world.
With theses steps that I’ve taken over the past year, I truly and sincerely feel a peace that comes from not fearing the future. I can start designing my life as apposed to just getting tossed about like the SS Minnow in Gilligan’s Island.
I guess…. In a word, I found “Hope.”
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