Getting adjusted....

I started a new job serving tables at Hamilton Inn in JC.  It's a new place, only open for a few months.  I like it.  It's close to home.  The people are nice. The money is okay.

I have an interview for a different job tomorrow.  It working security for the Metropolitan Museum of Art.  It's a far commute, but it has tuition reimbursement, which would be an obvious help to someone in school.

Wednesday I start classes at NJCU.  My first day of graduate school.  I feel like I did when I was a kid.  I always liked school.  I love learning, if not the homework.  I like the social aspect of it all too.  You know, being in a room of like minded individuals.  It's nice.

All of this stuff going on kinda drains me though.  I, more than ever, have to watch what I eat and exercise more.  I've got to get my stamina up.  What's the use of all this movement if I can't enjoy what little time I have left for myself 'cause I'm sleeping.

I'll give myself some time to adjust and work in some work out time.  I'll have to be wiser with my food choices as well.  If I order out, which I often do after work 'caus I just don't feel like cooking then cleaning after myself,  I'll have to sacrifice the wings, and maybe get some stir fried veggies instead. I'm sure it'll all fall into place.

Remember my problem with dishes?....

There a change that took place.  I can feel it. I guess the life changes I went through a couple of weeks ago served as a catalyst.  I must admit that I'm sad that it took an outside catalyst for me initiate the changes I've been looking to make,  but regardless of why I started to take action, the fact remains that I have to work to make the changes stick.

Some of the things that are helping the changes stick are my diet and addition of suppliments.  Every morning I'm having a fruit and yogurt shake and a bunch of suppliments including a multi-vitamin and fish oil.  I've add SAM-e and St. Johns Wort to help maintain a more positive outlook. (I'm no doctor so do some research and ask a doctor before trying this stuff.)  The SAM-e is created in the body naturaly but cannot be replenished by food.  Low levels of SAM-e supposedly reduces joint function as well as reduces the effectiveness of mental activity.  St. John's Wort is taken to elevate mood. 

I don't want anyone to think that it's just the vitamins.  The real shift comes with the shift in my "self- talk."  I'm just relating to myself in a new way.  I'm gentler and kinder to myself. The alternative is no longer an option. 

The bottom line here is that I'm watching what goes in and seeing better performance.  There are no dishes in my sink!

Monday...

Had a decent weekend for the most part.  Best part of the weekend was finding out that I was hired as a server at a restaurant in Jersey City.  The job is close to home and close to school.  That's good.  I'm only taking 2 classes this semester because I registered late.  My transition to working student will be easier.

I'm still waiting on my interview coming up on the 31st.  It's almost an ideal job for grad students at the Metropolitan Museum of Art.  You know those guys who tell you, "Don't touch." and "No flash photography?"  That could be me.  Full benefits and tuition reimbursement.  Keep your' fingers crossed for me.

I'm trying to keep moving forward.  That's why I've been writing so much lately.  Gotta beat down the melancholy and just "keep moving, don't stop, like the hands of time... " just like Soul II Soul said in the 90's ;-)

Anyways.  The one thing I haven't been writing about the last couple of weeks is exercise.  I just haven't been doin' it.  I know it's the last thing I should skip if I want to beat down the funk, so today I get my as out of my favorite chair and do some cardio.  Heck,  I think I'll partake in some Filipino martial arts tonight as well!

That's the plan for today.

Sometimes I need to remember the "Backwards Golden Rule"

I have to watch out for how I interpret things.

Today I was cleaning in the kitchen, got distracted, left the water running, then there was a huge mess to clean up.  I got quite upset with myself.  I said to myself "How could I do something sooooo stupid?!"  I said to myself, "I must be mentally retarded!"  Scariest of all, I said to myself, "How could i go on if I keep doing things like this?!"  Don't get me wrong here, I'm not suicidal.  But if I keep talking to myself like this, I could end up suicidal.

Feeling like that is totally unnecessary. I'm disappoint in how I let my emotions run rampant and spiral me down into a depressive state like that.  I had a drink, took a nap and wasted the day.  There was no need to waste the day.  There was no need to beat myself up like that.  There was no need to interpret what happened as anything more than an absent minded accident that could have happened to anybody given the right conditions.  It was an anthill and I turned it into Everest.

I chose in that moment to abuse myself instead of simply cleaning up the mess.  I punished myself instead of showing myself a little understanding then telling myself to pay more attention to the details.

There was a movie I saw once where a Native American character was asked how he was so chill all the time even in the face of all sorts of adversity.  He said, "I don't sweat the small stuff... and it's all small stuff."  Another saying or in this case "prayer" I've heard over the years really can help keep things in perspective; "...accept the things I cannot change;: (have)Courage to change the things I can;: And wisdom to know the difference."

My point to writing all this is to help me remember to consciencly interpret stuff.  I need to be more in charge of my "self talk" and treat myself with a lot more respect.  The truth is, I would never talk to another person like that.  Why shouldn't I give myself the same respect.  I guess it's a sort of backwards "Golden Rule.":  Do onto myself as I would do onto others.  (Disclaimer:  Backwards Golden Rule only works if you are naturally nice to other people. ;-)

It's hard to keep the momentum going.

I've had a couple of good days.  I applied for and was accepted into NJCU's Masters program for counseling.  On top of that I had a couple interviews; call backs from online submissions.  I even made an appointment for a second interview for a Job at the Met in NYC, nothing fancy, but they have a tuition reimbursement program and health benefits! 

On top of all that, just to make things a little sweeter, I'm finding out that just 'cause I broke up with my significant other last week,  I didn't actually mean I had to loose my closest friend.  We've hung out a couple of times as friends.  We talk on the phone.  We share our day and share what we're doing to improve our lives.  In short.  We still got each others back.

All that is well and good. Hurray for me!  Now the trick is to keep up the pressure.  Now that I can see that the world didn't come to an end, and there is light at the end of the tunnel (forgive all the cliches) I can't just take a seat in the tunnel and say "eh... the light is right there, I'll go to later."

I hate it now when I get content.  When I'm content, I get lazy, then nothing gets done.  Sometimes I swear that I must have lived on a island paradise in my last life, in wont of nothing!

I gotta keep goin'.  I gotta keep movin'.  I can't get sucked back into again.

Mind Control...

I trying to control my mind. Every minute is like a little mini-battle. I'm trying to control myself from dwelling on the past. This is the hardest part. It's paralyzing. Every time I start thinking "I should've..." anything, I try to bring myself back to the present. It's a lot of work. So much work, in fact, that yesterday afternoon, I think (I'm no doctor) I suffered a really minor panic attack. I was just sitting around watching t.v. when my chest got tight and my breathing got real fast as did my heart beat. It went on like that for about 50-60 seconds when I decided to meditate right there. I closed my eyes, put my palms up, and fought to control my breathing and just tried to relax. After a couple of minutes I was fine. Don't worry. I'm good now.

I'm trying to control my mind. I'm trying to be more proactive.  I'm trying to take action on the little projects that pop up in my head instead of just vegging out in front of my tv or computer.  I don't win that battle very often but I'm doing much much better than before.  I'm trying to control all the patterns I've developed over the decades, especially the pattern of "I'll just do it later." 

It's one of the problems of living with ADD I guess.  Everything gets a little attention. Not a lot of attention, a little. I notice one thing, start to work on it, then notice something else, then all I want to do is start a new project.  I get overwhelmed all the time.  It's easier to ignore everything.

What kills me is when I'm working I'm the exact opposite!  I have a home for everything behind the bar and I make sure that everything goes back to it's home.  I try to keep everything as spotless as possible.  I try to anticipate what I might need for the day and prepare everything.  I have a tendency to hyper-focus.  I always amazed myself; how different I am at home and at work.

It just time to work for myself.  That same dedication I give my employers I will now lavish upon the only boss that won't fire me if I have a bad incident.

Geek Alert! I made a reference to "The Matrix" but I think its relevant, read on...

It's funny...  We as human beings are blessed with imagination; the ability to manifest all sorts of worlds, scenarios, outcomes and possibilities.  Some religions and even branches of physics will tell you that these worlds in our minds might even be real.  This gift, imagination, can be a curse.

The ability to manifest possible futures and the ability to relive an often distorted version of the past can simply obstruct what it is we're doing in the here and now.  It keeps us from being present.  It's almost as if the movie "The Matrix" were real and we live in our heads experiencing things programed in us to be real.

Imagine that we do have the ability to manufacture the future in our minds.  Imagine that everyone has this ability. Never mind the details of what if two people imagine the same situation with different outcomes.  The point is, if we had such abilities, wouldn't we be careful to envision the most positive scenarios for ourselves?!  Wouldn't we try to quell any thought that might be negative, any thought at all negative for fear that it might actually come true?!?!?!

We need to... I need to control my mind.  I need to be here.  I need to be now.  There is a time and place for reminiscing.  There is a time and place to plan for an amazing future.  When the planning is done.  The present is for taking the steps toward my goals, and the present is for accepting the gifts the universe bestows upon me every second of every day (in other words, taking time to smell the roses, if I get pricked by a thorn, wonder in that too.)

Weekend so far.

I went out Friday night. 

I had dinner over a friend's house.  This couple I have known for decades, two of my closest and dearest friends.  We had a few drinks,  there was great bbq, we played a tune or two on the guitar, we talked about old times and physics and they listened to me feeling a little sorry for myself, and offered words of encouragement.  It was fun.

After dinner,  I headed out to meet more friends who were out to see my brother make a rare appearance out with the guys.  It was his birthday after all.  I had a "a few" drinks in my brother's honor.

Saturday... Absolutely gorgeous day, wasted.  I woke around noon with a headache, and never got out of the house.  What a waste.  At least I got a good night's sleep Saturday night.  So now I'm up early Sunday morning so I could clean up around this house.  The place looks like a tornado hit it. 

Friday the 13th?! Eh. After this week, no biggie....

No big developments today, except maybe that it's my brothers 38th birthday.  Our family,  Leo (my brother), his girlfriend, my mom and I just went to Fun Buffet on Rt 440 like we always do on birthdays in our family.  It's become our thing to go there.  It's cheap, and it's a lot of food.  I couldn't help but notice one person missing out of the picture of course.  My "ex" would come out and join us too. Oh well...  The reason I couldn't help but notice my ex wasn't there was because the way my brother and his girl kept carrying on.  I mean, fine, I didn't bring her up in conversation, but Jeez,  I just broke up with her!  Tone it down a bit!  I didn't say anything to them 'cause obviously, they weren't doing anything on purpose to spite me.  I just thought it was a little insensitive. ( listen to me talk about being insensitive, "Mr. No Filter" over here.)

Anyway...

 I just walked around Downtown JC and handed out my resume, after lunch.  I gotta say... I hate doing this!  Then again, I guess you gotta be some kind masochist to enjoy this process.  I had one interview in a place in Hoboken where they held an open call for staff.  He interviewed me fully but at the end he mentioned that he already had 4 guy bartenders; in other words he was looking for women.  I swear to God, one of these days I'm gonna put on a padded bra, some lipstick, heels and a wig and go into one of these interview get all "Tootsie" on'em.  Whatever.

Something nice did happen while I was interviewing.  I called the place where I was just fired and spoke to the bartender.  The bartender said that it was nuts what happened to me.  In fact, the bartender said that just today a person came up to the bar and asked for two bottles of water and when the bartender told the customer, "$6.00 please," the customer said, "no thanks." and walked out of the restaurant!!!!  How's that for irony.  The bartender had some kind words for me too, saying that I was one of the backbones of the restaurant.  Nice to hear.

Well.... on that note, I'm goin' over to a friends place and have a drink or 8 or 10.  Hope all is well with you.

Virgil.

They say, "Things happen for a reason."

There are times in our lives that just make you think to yourself… “WTF!!!!” One second you’ve got a happy if not perfect life, the next second, you wonder how things could change so drastically and so quickly.


Just the other day I wrote that I broke up with my girlfriend. It was a mutual decision we made so we could individually take on our short comings. Healthy enough decision, I guess.

At least things didn’t look so bad with my job. I had the respect of the general manager where I was bartending. He even recommended me for a transfer to the new location they are opening in midtown! The lunch crowd over there would have been incredible. I could have kept my day shifts and made lots of money. It turns out, that would not be the case.

One of the executive chefs for the company always had it in for me for some reason. He’d always take a verbal swipe at me the minute I was less than perfect. I don’t really know what his problem was with me. Well, it turns out that I took a phoned in pick up order from a “friend” of his that didn’t go well. He got what he ordered, but it was said that I was “unpleasant”. (Just for the record, I’m known for being professional and extremely pleasant and energetic on the phone) The real problem, however, was that he wanted a can of Coke. I don’t know why I do this, but because a can of Coke cost $2.50, I suggest to guests sometimes that they should get the soda elsewhere so the can save a little money. I usually get a “Thank You” for that gesture and repeat customers. Not in this case. Instead, it get reported to Chef @#$$$#%$%^. The end result is that I got fired for an overblown sense of customer service. It just goes to show that in many instances, you’re only as good as your last performance.



At this point…. I don’t know. I really don’t know.







Well… One way I can look at this is; I’m not in that rut anymore. I wanted change. I got it. I wanted change in my relationship. I got it. I wanted change in my financial situation and in my career path. I got it. Now, what do I do with it?

The thing is, when you hear about these great success stories, they all come out of some sort of adversity. You know. Like how that guy Crammer on “Mad Money” at one point was homeless and slept in his car or I think Jewel the Pop/Country singer had the same situation or Madonna had her problems or Oprah had her bouts with adversity too.

This just might be the way that the cosmos or God or fate gets a person to be all they can be and not just settle for the minimum.

Yesterday, before I found out about my current work status, I picked up an application for Graduates admission to NJCU. It turns out that I may not be too late to apply for this fall semester.

They say, "Things happen for a reason."  The truth is. Things happen. We have to give it a reason.

Lazy is what Lazy doesn't....

August 11, 2010


I've been writing this blog off and on again. I hit a certain point below my threshold for mediocrity, start writing, and start doing. When I reach a point of mediocrity that I’m more comfortable with I stop writing and I stop doing. It’s a cycle I’ve been caught in for…. Jeez, it’s embarrassing to say. I’ve been caught in this cycle for at least 15 years but more likely most of my life. I’m 40 years old now.

I started this blog to help me get out of this rut. (Thus the title of the blog, Duh!) I figured that if I made my struggle more public, I might be more motivated to take action. I mean, hell! Everybody is watching, right?! Well, it seems that living in a glass room doesn’t seem to be panning out like I hoped. I just draw the shades so nobody sees when I’m doing poorly.

So….

Leave it then to Life to give you a kick in the pants! Now, don’t think I’m advocating that one should wait for getting fired from a dead end job or a death in the family or somebody running over your pet or having your home foreclosed, leaving you homeless! It’s just sometimes, Life does that to you. Kick you in the pants.

My latest kick in the pants comes in the form of breaking up with my girlfriend. The details, though relevant to this passage, will remain private. I will, however, say that my “Rut” did have a partial roll to play in the break-up.

It’s hard to admit failures, especially in a public forum such as this. I do it anyway. I put it out there as a warning to anyone out there that might be following this that our actions AND our inactions have butterfly effects in our lives.

With that being said, I’m back to square one. Once again, I face my uphill battle with overwhelm and procrastination and just outright LAZINESS!!!!!!

Huh……. You know, the last time I called myself lazy in this blog was in my first entry. Then I promptly dismissed it calling it a fear of success or failure or some sort of bullshit. The real truth is: I AM LAZY!!!! Yah sure, I get overwhelmed easily. Yah sure, I have a perfectionist’s eye for detail making every little anthill look like Everest. When all is said and done; when, at the end of the day, I’m done with all the pseudo-psycho-babble, I’m just one thing. FUCKING LAZY.

Okay….. Now that’s out of my system.

Step one. Work on my ability to stay focused. In order to stay focused, I need the all the basics: physical health and stamina, and mental, emotional and spiritual health.

To achieve my physical health goals, I’m going to regularly get on the treadmill and throw in some cardio classes, and use common sense when eating. No more 11pm pizza and beer like I did last night, instead more fruits and veggies.

To achieve the mental, emotional and spiritual: meditation. I’m not sure yet how I’m going to incorporate this into my routine. I found a website online for someone in Jersey City who specializes in meditation. I could just go to yoga classes. I could just do it everyday myself. Close my eyes, sit comfortably, ease my breathing, and think of nothing. If I can’t just think of nothing, I could just think to myself; as I inhale, “In with the good,” and as I exhale “out with the bad.” I might seek out guidance in the beginning so I know what I’m doing is effective.

While all this is fine and dandy, I want to do something more tangible, so I’ve decided to go to NJCU and pick up info on getting my MA in counseling and find out about financial aid.

That’s what’s on the agenda for today. Thanks for reading. Talk to you soon.

Virg.