Sometimes.... You just need to get some help.

As anyone who reads my entries can see,  I've been trying to beat down the same wall for quite some time now.  Occurrences in my recent past lit a fire under me to make changes, and though steps forward have been taken I still feel like the wheels are just spinning without taking me anywhere.  Unfortunate incidences occur in my life, that most fully functioning individuals just plain avoid.  So much so that it just can't be a coincidence. Please don't get me wrong here... It's not like I'm blaming a higher power for things going wrong in my life; in fact, it's the opposite.  I know know now that there is something fundamentally wrong with me.  but that's OK.

Let me take it back a couple of weeks ago to demonstrate my problem.

I was washing the dishes.  Nothing unusual going through my head, or happening around me.  I was just doing the dishes.  Something pulled me away from the dishes.  I don't know what is was.  All I really remember was that I was at the computer.  When I returned to do the dishes, I found the kitchen floor covered in water.  Basically, I walked away from the sink without turning off the water.  Fun.

If this kind of thing happens to someone rarely, no big deal.  If this type of thing is a common occurrence, then you should probably seek some help.  I didn't at that point and  I should have, because not only did I beat myself up physically and berate myself,  (repeatedly pounding my own head with my hands and repeatedly calling myself stupid) something more sinister reared it's head. I started to feel that maybe I'd be better off if I stopped existing. 

I'm learning now in the classes I'm taking for counseling that the last symptom I describe pretty much spells out a depressed episode.  With the circumstances as they were, I decided to reach out for help and sought out counseling for myself.  I called up NJCU's counseling center, made an appointment, and went to my first session today.

Without going into too much detail about the session, one thing did stand out.  I had mentioned in passing, earlier in the session, that I was diagnosed in my mid 20's with ADD, but stopped taking the prescribed meds because they were only effective for half an hour out of every 4 hour dose.

After reviewing all I had to say in that hour the one thing that stood out was the ADD.  My next step is to get evaluated by a psychiatrist who specializes in ADD / ADHD and hopefully get meds appropriate for my condition.

I know there are a lot of people out there who have a knee jerk reaction to meds as a solution for a problem.  There is a stigma attached to that.  The truth is that, especially for this kind of problem,  I too felt that throwing meds at a problem was a cop-out.  Well, for me, it's been about 15 years since my diagnosis, and almost as long without medication.  I've been in and out of jobs, and floundering about in life trying to tackle this thing myself using self help and self talk and now I've even made my struggle public in the hopes that it might spark change.  I've made an advance or two, but the core of the problem still persists.

I need help...  Those of you who know me know that it's hard for me to ask for help.  I need help and now finally, I'm getting help.