Mind Control...

I trying to control my mind. Every minute is like a little mini-battle. I'm trying to control myself from dwelling on the past. This is the hardest part. It's paralyzing. Every time I start thinking "I should've..." anything, I try to bring myself back to the present. It's a lot of work. So much work, in fact, that yesterday afternoon, I think (I'm no doctor) I suffered a really minor panic attack. I was just sitting around watching t.v. when my chest got tight and my breathing got real fast as did my heart beat. It went on like that for about 50-60 seconds when I decided to meditate right there. I closed my eyes, put my palms up, and fought to control my breathing and just tried to relax. After a couple of minutes I was fine. Don't worry. I'm good now.

I'm trying to control my mind. I'm trying to be more proactive.  I'm trying to take action on the little projects that pop up in my head instead of just vegging out in front of my tv or computer.  I don't win that battle very often but I'm doing much much better than before.  I'm trying to control all the patterns I've developed over the decades, especially the pattern of "I'll just do it later." 

It's one of the problems of living with ADD I guess.  Everything gets a little attention. Not a lot of attention, a little. I notice one thing, start to work on it, then notice something else, then all I want to do is start a new project.  I get overwhelmed all the time.  It's easier to ignore everything.

What kills me is when I'm working I'm the exact opposite!  I have a home for everything behind the bar and I make sure that everything goes back to it's home.  I try to keep everything as spotless as possible.  I try to anticipate what I might need for the day and prepare everything.  I have a tendency to hyper-focus.  I always amazed myself; how different I am at home and at work.

It just time to work for myself.  That same dedication I give my employers I will now lavish upon the only boss that won't fire me if I have a bad incident.